miststix

2005-12-17T12:58:00.000+08:00

switched to livejournal. don't ask why :)

www.livejournal.com/users/_miststix

2005-12-14T23:48:00.000+08:00

i realise that its been quite sometime since i've written a proper entry.and what i mean by a proper entry is an entry about how my day has been like, what happened today, what i did today and blah blah all that normal stuff. cause i've been reading my recent entries and i've noticed that most of them are entries that talk about love, heartbreaks or heartaches. i mean, i'm only 17. what do i know about the true meaning of love? what do i know about relationships? i'm expected to study my ass off and get excellent grades at an age like this. but come to think of it again, its at this point of age that someone begins to experience all these. being in love, getting our hearts broken over and over and over again, not being able to sleep because you're so busy thinking about whether that someone is thinking about you too just like how you are thinking about them at that very moment and all that mushy shitty fucked up stuff. so isn't it ironic how you know that you're not supposed to fall in love now since you're only 17 but you still want to experience it and you are expected to have a feel of it too :P

anyhoos, here goes my nothing-about-love-and-heartbreaks-or-any-of-that-sort-of-shit entry:)

so today was quite a productive one i have to say. i finally managed to finish reading keluarga gerilya although it took me almost a week to complete it. needless to say, the story wasn't that bad after all considering the fact that the novel was written in bahasa indonesia. but hey..i'm not complaining. i learned some 'indo bad words' in the process. for instance, "bangsat!" and "bajingan!". hahaha..not that i'm saying that i'm going to use it now :P. and so that's one holiday assignment off the list. and now i'm already starting on my ao maths tutorials. i can't afford to procrastinate further seeing that i've been procrastinating for the whole month of november doing absolutelty nothing but just idling around the house and complaining that i've got nothing to do. so now, with less than three weeks left before school re-opens, i am struggling to finish up my holiday assignments. and i still have yet to study for the geog test when school re-opens later. but luckily the reading logs are going ok so far:) this is so not like me. i'm always on task. sheesh. get a grip sarah.

i watched 40-year-old virgin too although it was only for a measly half an hour. i realised that the movie just wasn't my cup of tea. and to add on to that, i don't think i should be watching these type of movies with my brother there in the living room. i know he's already 12 and all grown up now, but i think its still too early to expose him to the mean vulgar world of sex. i know its not a porn movie but still. so, when i saw the first hint of exposed tits, i decided to just not watch the movie. haha..see what a good and observant sister i am :D

but on a lighter note, my legs are finally ok. after running a very "extensive" 2.4km on monday, my legs have been aching. its only 2.4km and here i am already whining my ass off. pathetic ain't it? oh wells, another 2.4km awaits tomorrow. another morning where i have to run amidst the elderlies and humiliate myself. how motivating :)

and yah, i've always wondered if the guys under the opposite block ever go to school/work. its not that i am insulting them or being mean but siang malam korang terpekik terlolong. macam takde kerja lain gitu. its none of my business anyway. asalkan korang bahagia sudah.

ok. goodnight world.

2005-12-11T13:48:00.000+08:00

2005-12-09T20:29:00.000+08:00

today was one of those days where i thought i was over him. i smile and laugh with my friends, and everything just seems right. but, i know later at night, i'll be scared to go to sleep because i know that this day doesn't come so often. i know that tomorrow when i wake up, something will have happened and he'll be on my mind again. i won't be able to go anywhere without seeing something that reminds me of him, or listen to the radio without hearing our song. i'll wonder why he doesn't call and i'll blame myself for him leaving, and for not being able to get over him.

so that's why i have to realize that life and love is going to let me down sometimes. i'm going to have some embarassing moments, i can't change my genetics, and the boy i like won't always like me back. but i have to always see the big picture. maybe it wasn't meant to be. maybe this is a sign that it really wasn't that important. sure, little things have their moments when they are your entire life and once you're crushed, you're crushed. but i have to deal with the fact that, as cliche as it sounds, tomorrow is another brand new day and that something or someone else is going to come along and i'll realize how stupid i was for getting so down about such a small thing because life's lesson are always learnt through pain. so, eventually i'll take my own advice, but the bottom line is, i always have to put things into perspective. and it's never the end of the world.

i have to let go. it doesn't take strength to hold on to something so precious to you, but it takes strength to let go of one. I HAVE TO LET IT GO.

2005-12-07T21:03:00.000+08:00

today was day out with family:)
the national library is really HUGE.
bugis street is love.
i got myself a new watch. neh neh neh neh.
i'm finally done with my econs homework! :D
i'm really missing someone. I WANT YOU. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

2005-12-04T17:49:00.000+08:00

"Maybe there are no right moments, right guys or right answers. Maybe you just have to say what's in your heart."

*i'm suddenly missing someone whom i shouldn't be missing, really badly.

2005-11-30T10:03:00.000+08:00

right now,i'm trying to be a strong girl and am trying to keep my shit in line even when tears are streaming down my fucked up face, even when my heart is already totally broken into a million pieces. i'm not going to loose myself completely just because of what happened yesterday night. i'm going to say " i'm fine" albeit how i actually feel inside. i'm worth more than all this. i'm fine.

it's true. i can never be like any other people, i take pleasure and pride of being able to stay awake and think of you while you doze off. tried to wake you up, tried to call you, tried to see you. i tried to pretend that things were like before, where you would nudge me every now and then and put a smile on my face while i was bored. you would complain about your day and your school while i looked at you and smiled. you didn't know that i was tired too, and i will never say cause, i didn't want the expressions on your face to die out, the way your lips move, your eyes twitch and the way your cheeks turn to pink when you are angry. you have this way that makes me want to hug, hold and keep you safe. my dearpreciouslameboy, you once make me weak in my knees. you used to look at me and tell me how gorgeous i am even when i have tears on my face. is it a scheme? a technique? a way? a hidden agenda to make me feel all these and then, in the end dropping me as though we never shared anything?? and i cry at the fact that things will never be the same again. those antics that you once did and once make me feel on top of the world now have little effects on me, not cause my heart has changed, or that the feelings have stopped, but because, you have stopped showing it. you now, have her in your arms. the thought of her hand on your shoulder where it used to be mine. the thought of those jokes that we once shared are no longer going to be 'our' joke anymore. the thought of those winking eye, or those one liner words that were only known by us. but now, there is no more you and me.

don't you get it that i love you so much? people say you know you're in love when you feel all warm & fuzzy inside.. and you never can find the bad in anything. you just always look for the silver lining. that's not true. when you're in love, you find yourself wondering whether you trust him or not. you wonder what he does behind your back. you want to know everything and you can never get him out of your head. but love hurts the worst when he says he doesn't love you anymore... love hurts the most when i heard those words from you.

people say at my age, i don't really know what love is. well, then maybe there's another explanation for the way i feel about you. how every second i am away from you seems like an eternity. how everytime you kiss my lips, i wish that time would freeze and i'd be with you for all time.how everytime i try to think of something else, i can only think of one thing and thats you. how everytime i see you, i smile more and more, and how i'm so happy i could cry. how everytime i talk of you to others, i feel like a giddy little kid with a secret to tell. how everytime i speak, i want to tell someone how wonderful you are. how the times i'm most happy are when i'm with you and i miss you the most right after i leave your side. maybe there is another explanation for the uncontrollable feeling inside of me. but right now, i'll hold the thought that i love you inside of my heart forever.

you may not know it yet, maybe you'll never even think about it, but i'm special. you're gonna meet a lot of girls throughout your life and a lot of them will be special to you but i'll tell you right now that you'll never find another me so take a good look around you because i'm leaving and i may never come back. and why is that? its because you wanted me to go. its because you threw me away. its because you literally told me to FUCK OFF many a times yesterday night.

so, think of this as our last goodbye. just take this time to look at everything we've been through. remember how much i loved you. remember how much i gave my all to you. remember how i put you above everyone else. remember the song that reminds you of me. remember how much you hurt me and how i forgave you. remember me when someone asks you "who loves you the most?". think of us and what could have been. just remember and never forget...

2005-11-28T19:38:00.000+08:00

i need to go shopping. really i do. desperately in need of new items :)

2005-11-27T22:06:00.000+08:00

throughout life, you will meet one person who is unlike any other. this person is the one you could forever talk to. they understand you in a way that no one else does or ever could. this person is your soul mate and best friend. don't ever let him go.

BUT I DID. and i'm starting to understand the meaning of pain. the pain that i once put you through.

i never knew someone could do that to me. you taught me so much in life that's unbelievable. you taught me nothing could ruin us and that we're perfect. you were that someone that i could hug when things were tough. you were that someone who gave me kisses even though when i've had enough of hearing the same bullshit everyday. you were that someone who would say, "baby, i'm going to make it okay". you were that perfect guy for me who has had part of his brain removed and thinks that he's a bunny and that we can go off and be bunnies together :) sure we had our little fights but what relationship doesn't? we overcame each obstacle including the distance. you told me that you don't deserve me but i know you do. you stuck by my side no matter how much i fucked up. you forgave me...mistake after mistake. but i should have known that everything has its limits and i've only got myself to blame when i went overboard. i made that one mistake and i thought it was nothing. thought we could overcome anything because every special relationship can overcome so much more than we did. but that mistake lead us to what we are right now. not being together anymore. and that hurts more than i thought it would.

yes, i have to admit that our love was inconvenient. our love required sacrifices. our love was the kind that we had to wake up at 3am just to talk (remember?):) our love hurts and we had to work for it. our love tested us. our love was hard to find, hard to keep and never was easy. our love got us both hurt. our love made us cry. our love made us hold on even though the whole thing was just a complete utter nightmare. but all that didn't matter cause most of all, our love was worth it. and that made YOU worth it.

i know it was entirely my fault that things have changed between us and i'm regretting it. but the thing is, i miss the way things used to be. i'd live my life all over again, go through all the pain, the trials, the heartaches, just to spend one more moment with you and look at you and know you feel the same way i do. one more smile, one more hug, one more song, it would be worth it. i wish i had that choice. instead, i have to keep living, knowing you're gone, feeling like i should move on but not wanting to let go of how things were, hoping that someday they'll be that way again someday.

so why do i still hesitate when now that chance is practically slapping me in the face? we're getting on just fine right now. in fact, we're getting on perfectly. so why? its just that i'm afraid of us being a couple again because i'm afraid we'll lose what we already have right now. i'm afraid that i'm going to make a stupid mistake again and risk the chances of making you hurt again. but isn't life all about risks and requiring us to jump on? but still...

i don't want to be a person who has to look back and wonder what i would have or could have had. i have to remember that no one waits forever.

but _____, i just don't want to hurt you again.

2005-11-23T19:22:00.000+08:00

when i stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.
when i stand up for those i love, they call me a bitch.
when i speak my mind, think my own thoughts or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.
being a bitch means i won't compromise what's in my heart.
it means i live my life MY way.
it means i won't allow anyone to step on me.
when i refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, i am defined as a bitch.
the same thing happens when i take time for myself instead of being everyone's maid, or when i act a little selfish.
it means i have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who i truly am and won't become anyone else's idea of what they think i "should" be.
i am outspoken, opinionated and determined.
i want what i want and there is nothing wrong with that!
so try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty i hold within me.
you won't succeed.
and if that makes me a bitch, so be it.
i embrace the title and am proud to bear it.

kiss my ass.

2005-11-22T19:12:00.000+08:00

why is it that everytime i get a great guy, i only realise it when he's gone?

i'm such a loser when it comes to relationships:(

2005-11-18T22:43:00.000+08:00

:) :) :) :) :) i'm all smiles.

HARRY POTTER AND THE GOBLET OF FIRE was just GREAT. SUPERB. EXCELLENT. now that's a huge statement made by someone(me of course) who is actually not a harry potter fan at all. i expected the movie to turn out like how it was the last three times but thankfully it didn't. this time, the movie was really worth it. it managed to kept me in awe and in my seat for the whole 2 1/2 hours. i even had to contain myself from going to the loo the whole time so as not to miss any scenes. that was how anxious i was. needless to say, i have to agree with the potter fans that the movie was just great. seriously not a let-down even though my sister informed me that they didn't include quite a lot of parts that were mentioned in the book. but who cares? i didn't even read the book.. tee-hee :P and so basically me and the siblings and the cuz were gushing all the way after the movie what a blast it was. with the exception of my brother who actually took quite a few trips to the toilet troughout the movie. hahaha.

and so, we headed on home together with the aunty and uncle and cuz who decided to come over. and what kecoh-ness we had! :) the parents and the aunty and the uncle (basically the elders), begun talking about basically everything. and i do mean everything. from nostalgic moments that they had during the olden times where according to them it was hard to get a nice seat during a movie and going to the loo then was a hassle- to sex exhibitions which basically is not a successful one here in singapore -to skipping school -to the exorcist -to the JI group and the whatever recent news about them -to molest and rape cases -to how the wrestlers nowadays are dying because they consume too much steriod and protein and the latest wrestler who died recently is eddie guerero -to abortion videos -to whether the green tea cheesecake that my mum is serving them actually smells of jasmine (?!) -to family matters. :D i love my family.

well that wraps it up. the whole day just managed to cheer me up after the quite mundane jalan hari raya i had with ex-school mates yesterday. blah.shall not go into details. so i'm off now. :)

and, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AFAL!! haha..didn't know that you had such a great female fan club :P you're one year older but no matter what, you'll always be that small bugging brother to me. ahahaaha. :)

2005-11-14T20:39:00.000+08:00

*my body is aching :( so much for excercising. OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH OUCH.

2005-11-11T22:18:00.000+08:00

the promise that you made

left broken on the floor

the bruise left around my heart

left me begging for more

2005-11-09T18:37:00.000+08:00

at this very moment, there are 6470818671 people in the world. some are runing scared. some are coming home. some tell lies to make it through the day while others are just facing the truth. some are evil men at war with the good. and some are struggling with evil. some are broken hearted. and some couldn't be happier. over 6 billion people in the world, over 6 billion souls and faces. but sometimes, all you need is one "best friend" promise to make it all better and easier.

i feel that sometimes, nobody has ever held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. it's like i say, "oh i'm fine" and i walk away, and nobody has ever said "no you're not ". it makes me feel very insecure and vulnerable. i miss having someone who actually cares. i know that things will never work out well for me but i'm afraid that if i stop trying, then it'll be final. but if i don't give up, then i can still have hope and hope always makes me feel secure. so, i'm choosing to be optimistic here.

2005-11-07T18:38:00.000+08:00

[mood indescribable ]

did you ever meet someone and have them totally change your life? that every thought you ever had about life and yourself was changed. the way you look at life and people and even the way you breathe. it's like all that time you were hiding inside yourself until that person came into your world... well you are that person for me. you teach me something new every day. i'm a better person now that you were in my life and i'm glad that you still are even though its only a small part. promise you'll never leave because now that i've known what life is like with you...i couldn't bare to live without you. i may not need you as a lover but more as a friend. friendship lasts longer than love.

after nearly four years of silence, it was nice being able to talk to you again yesterday like how we used to. it felt right. it felt comfortable. it felt good. it felt as if we never did parted four years ago. but reality check - we did. and i'm sad to say that both of us still feel a tinge of regret about what happened four years back when we shouldn't even be. the reason being that there is simply no point in crying over spilled milk. we both are stronger and more mature because of what happened. we learn to appreciate and value the person that comes next even more. nonetheless, it doesn't mean that i am throwing the memories that we made together. you changed me and i'm thankful for that. i'm keeping the memories sealed in my heart cause i still do cherish you.

2005-11-04T20:13:00.000+08:00

[mood thankful]

first and foremost.. SELAMAT HARI RAYA MAAF ZAHIR DAN BATIN!

anyways, these pictures are long overdued but what the hell. have a look! :)

(05a03-these are the people that make jc life worth while. jc1 was one hell of an adventure :P )

2005-11-01T08:23:00.000+08:00

[mood awake ]

2005-10-31T17:23:00.000+08:00

[mood ehhh...tak sabar aku..]

hari raya is just a mere 3-days away!!! i'm just waiting for the duit raya to come rolling in so that i can go and splurge on myself! muahahahhaaha!! :p

meanwhile, helped my mum bake cake today..

chocolate is love :)

anyways, i'm on a save-the-environment spree nowadays. remember people, reuse reduce recycle! save the earth! save the environment! hehe..i love being a geographer:)

2005-10-27T21:44:00.000+08:00

[mood vulgar ]

i want to hate all of you. HALF AS MUCH as i hate myself. holy fuck give me a reason to stay. it must have been 87647392874 million times when i feel like running away from all this charade that you put up. does it always have to turn out this way? its scary when all i could think of is running away when things don't go as planned. i suppose that my problem is my lack of ability to try to make things work and the fear that things might turn out even worst. i am easily afraid. i'm afraid that you'll get tired of me. i'm afraid that we'll run out of things to say and argue and debate over those little little things. my throat is killing me. i need to say goodbye before this turns out to be more complicated than it already is.

i've packed all the essential items, but im leaving my heart here. i can't handle emotions and feelings anymore, i'm not planning to bring it anyway. so, when we meet, i will be a new person. i won't cry when shit happens. i won't even smile that often. we'll talk, yes, we will. but you can't read too much from me. you won't even recognise me. you'll realise that i am a completely different person. that's the way i want it to be and that's what it shall be. don't tell me i'm being silly. don't tell me i'm just ridiculous. cause when shit happens and i start to cry, i doubt you'll be there to dry my eyes. so you blew it, you had it coming, how could you? and what a crying shame to even think that i used to tell you all my inner most secret. to think that we were sworn best friends forever few years back.what a waste of my precious time.

WHY DID YOU FUCKING DO THAT? i still can't believe you did that. it's sad enough that you fucking don't even have an excuse for it. who do you think you are? a fucking superstar?? now, i don't even think you deserve my friendship. NO IT IS FUCKING NOT FUNNY!!! DO YOU WANT ME TO TURN THE TABLE ON YOU AND DO WHAT YOU DID TO ME?? all these while, i've been a good friend, in fact too good that you chose to step all over me. ITS ALL ABOUT YOUYOUYOUYOU. FUCK OFF. it's sad that you still think i am OKAY with it, just because i don't curse and insult you doesn't mean that everything is going to be as normal. and you still had the audacity to plead your innocence. how fucking ridiculous. i was ready to give you one tight bitch slap, but i am brought up much better than that. so let my silence and *MALAS NAK LAYAN* attitude substitute that bitch slap that you deserve from me. i demand an apology from you. oh man, don't fucking mess around too much with me, just cos' i've too much patience. if i ever decide to stop talking to you, that's it. i am so not turning back. i don't lick back what i've spit on the floor.

best friends forever. yeah, that's what i thought until you got too "cool" for me and i got too "selenge and uncool" for you. except honey, i'm the one with the real friends and i know, that you'll realize it and come back. but this time i'll tell you that i need space and i'll do what you did to me which was to fucking leave me all on my own. i put my heart on my sleeve out in the open for everyone to see but you took the opportunity and abused it well. so guess what? i'm blocking every single one of you-s out. remember! best friends is a promise not a label.

I'M THE BITCH NOW. DEAL WITH IT.

2005-10-26T20:53:00.000+08:00

[mood sick ]

"nama saya Cet. nama panjang saya Boncet!"
"nama say Kik. nama panjang saya Tercekik!"
-->my sister the joker. hehehe :)

the sister and me <3

2005-10-23T22:02:00.000+08:00

[mood devious ]

and so boredom towards ownself has lead me into having a haircut earlier on this afternoon which resulted in me trading in my long lustrous hair for a uber short hair now. have to admit, i like it this way. i like being different from all the other girls. i like having short hair instead of long hair. i like being rough instead of sweet. i like my fatner calling me a half-boy and a half-girl. i like standing out and getting the attention. what can i say? i am an attention- seeker :)

so..whether you like me now or not, i really don't give a shit about it. really. you can hate me for all i care or you can love me and be one of my undying fans. cause now, its about time i start to put myself first instead of others. i like me the way i am. this is me and no one can change that.

2005-10-20T16:21:00.000+08:00

[mood hungry ]

so here i am at home doing absolutely nothing. post-promo activities are just so mundane and dead. its funny, before the promos, i had so many things in mind that i wanted to do. but now that promos are finally over for good ( i think it has been more than two weeks? ), i can't seem to find anything productive to do. it used to be
" oh shit! i have no time to do anything else! i need to study! ahhh..stress stress stress!! " but now its
" erm..what am i supposed to do? so boring lah...". hah. it seems that all i do is study and complain that i have too much to study but when i finally have the opportunity to not study and do something else, i complain even more and wish that i was studying. ah yes..i don't know what i want.

however, i think that i am thankful that i don't have to study anymore (for only a while though, once the holidays are here, its full-gear revision again so that i won't forget my stuff). i know i deserve the break from all the hardwork that i have been putting in, for all the late nights, for all the tantrums that i threw, for all the curses and insults that i said to people in the midst of being stress. i know i deserve this break cause all the immense torture and brainwreck for the promos paid off. although i have to say i could have definitely done better. i expected so much more from myself. final promo grades are:
Geography- C [63.0]
Economics -C [63.0]
Mlep- A [72.0]
AO Maths- A [73.0]
General Paper - C5 [ 53.o]
my results were ok ok i guess. quite ok with it although i could definitely have scored better for both econs and geog. i was so close of getting a B. argh..2 more marks to a nice solid B. but on the brighter side, i got promoted and yay!

anyhoots, project work which has been the main post-promo focus is simply just too demanding. and, being the group leader doesn't help either. people tend to just chuck everything to you and expect you to produce something completely of standard miraculously. that is just so impossible. i am not a super-computer that can come up with a 3000 word written report all by myself. all i can say is that i am so grateful that some of my group members are very cooperative. but there are some who are just simply free-riders. blardy arses. i don't want to do it as much as you don't. but thank goodness project work is coming to an end. all that is left now is the oral presentation. the super-smart-oh-so-clever-nak-mampos-takde-kerja-lain-nak-buat-but-make-students-suffer guy who came up with this idea of project work should seriously be shot with a rifle and then stabbed using a 15-inch blade knife and then be made to promise to not come up with anything of such sort anymore that might deprive us students from actually doing something more productive such as shopping or watching tv ( hahahaha..shopping is indeed productive :P ) and to not make us suffer by spending excessive time on the computer coming up with a 3000 word report and chasing after group members who don't do their work. -_- ok. don't take me seriously. it was just a thought that i had in mind.

blah blah blah blah blah blah. and oh yah, don't forget to come down for tpjc's open house tomorrow. i'll be at the foyer trying to lure helpless secondary school kids to enrol into mlep. its the bestest subject ever although the syllabus is going to change next year and although there are some stuff that are just...well i shan't say it. just come on down ok? or at least just come to see my pretty face. :)

2005-10-18T22:44:00.000+08:00

[mood in love ]

Andainya cinta ada lagi
Kanku petik subur mekar mewangi
Tersimpul rindu dua hati
Berputik warna-warna sang pelangi
Resah kian menghimpit hati
Kabus menyelubungi di pagi hari
Cintakan datang dan pergi
Mengimbau kembali sebuah memori
Kini semua sudah berlalu
Kuterhiris bagaikan sembilu
Kau pergi...
Membawa angin yang menghiris
kenanganku
Gugurnya...
Bebunga cinta yang mekar dihati
ini..
Namunku mengerti dirimu telah pergi
Kuterhiris bagaikan sembilu...

somebody save me. i'm addicted to sembilu. its the nicest bestest drama ever. ( ok..i sound like a pathethic self-dillusioned kid. but i don't care :P) well...on second thoughts, maybe just let me stay a while a longer in my own love fantasy world. for once, i want love to be on my side.

2005-10-15T22:36:00.000+08:00

[mood cool ]

come fly with me :)

2005-10-12T22:28:00.000+08:00

[mood lazy lah..]

check this out.

Your Boobies' Names Are: Love Muffins

Get your own Boobie Names

cool right? hahaha.

on a heavier note, i realize that falling in love with someone is just the result of a series of generic events that can occur between you and basically any other individual who meets your standards of attractiveness. it's just an emotional manifestation of a handful of chemicals bouncing back and forth. it's not some holy grail of living - your reason to exist and it's definitely not something reserved for just "that one person" like how people always claim it to be like. soul mates exist only for those people who believe they were a duck in their previous life. accept that you are just an animal with the most advanced brain that allows you to fret over what only amounts to a game of hormone pool. and whenever something unexpected or inane happens, what you're feeling is not your soul dying an earth shattering, gut wrenching ugly death but rather withdrawal. all the little happy chemicals that saturated your body when you were with him are kicking out cold turkey,and your body is screaming "what the hell,where are my fucking endorphins?!" love is actually just chocolates. find a new bar and get your damn recharged endorphins.

and in the end, you'll find out what life is and isn't about. like all those nights you spent crying because some guy "broke your heart", doesn't matter anymore once you find THE guy. and all the friends that made you feel so alone because they broke promises and turned their back on you, doesn't really matter once you find out who you're best friends are. and all the random hook ups and late night kisses, don't turn out to be so perfect after all, once you find the one guy you want to kiss for the rest of your life. and all the parties, that you once thought were the greatest times of you life, don't turn out to be so great, because it was the people who have been there for you always that make up the greatest times of your life. and in the end you learn, that sometimes the grass isn't always greener on the other side. that sometimes you have to go against what you know is right and just follow your heart, you learn to see through the lies and the tears, and somewhere in the midst of the drama and false hopes and broken promises, you find what life is really about.

so that's why i've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. i've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. i've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others--they are more screwed up than you think. i've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

sheesh.

2005-10-10T18:08:00.000+08:00

[mood celebrating mood!! ]

ooo yeah! its over. promos, that is. A levels are still around. i know i shouldn't be such a worry-wart but i can't help it. its just me i guess. i just hope that i don't srew up anything and that i will be contemplative with whatever i get. but knowing myslef, i know that won't be the case :)

because i want to, i can and sharing embarrassing and revealing things about myself is therapeautic :P

Write 20 random facts about yourself

1) if i had not gone to a jc, my second most obvious choice would be to take up optometry at singapore poly.

2) there was this once, that i brought my brother along to the salon and told the hairdresser that i wanted my hair to be cut as short as my brother. i did that because i wanted to be a butch but i changed my mind on becoming a butch because i figured that i shouldn't let a heartbreak make me turn into one. but nonetheless, the hair was already damn short and i had to live with it for more than a year.

3) i don't cut my nails. i bite my fingernails and i peel off my toenails.

4) i have big dreams of becoming a professional actress for malay theatrical productions. and i still dream about it. i don't like acting on tv because it seems fake. theatre acting is more real and full of drama.

5) i hate winnie the pooh and all of his friends except tigger. i think pooh is very irritating and stupid.

6) i shoplifted before.

7) i have never shit in school before because i fear that i will run out of toilet paper halfway. also, i fear that while in the midst of doing business, there will be a fire drill or alarm which would eventually lead me to being burnt to death just because i was stuck inside the toilet shitting. sheesh.

8) someone did ever told me that i looked like a student from crescent girls :))

9) the shortest period of time that i was in a relationship with someone was for only an hour. the guy broke up with me after that. i guess its either he figured out that i was weird or it was all a mistake or he was just kidding around :(

10) i wish that one day that i would get to meet khairudin saharom so that i can tell him how much i admire him for his achievement in his normal working life and in his media industry life. also, to tell him that i think he is the most handsome man alive apart from hazrul nizam and that i want to marry him one day.

11) i tend to talk really fast whenever i get excited, angry or nervous. so, when i talk really fast, sometimes my words get mixed up and new words start to form. hah.

12) i drool ALOT when i sleep. irk.

13) i love the matrix. i have no idea why some people don't like it and don't understand it. i wish that the world we live in is similar to the one potrayed in the matrix. then i would have a reason to blame everything that goes wrong cause the real world is an evil and mind-sucking place. matrix is the coolest movie ever.

14) i get annoyed and pissed very easily by people who don't listen to me whenever i talk. the key word here is listen not hear me. listen and hear is different. i want people to pay full attention to me whenever i talk and its better if there is eye-contact.

15) i can't swim but i like to believe that i can.

16) i hate make-up. i think those who use it excessively are just trying to cover up for their lack of beauty. those who use make-up excessively are afraid of showing people what they really look like. pleeeaaassseee... nobody is ugly in this world. everyone of us has a spark of beauty.

17) i am an IT idiot. i don't use the computer often unless its for school or blogging.

18) the most embarrassing thing that i ever did was when i pee-ed in class. and then i told that it was actually some water that i spilled. i'm not going to tell when was it :P

19) i wanted to run away from home when i was in secondary 1 because i got scolded by my parents for playing truant and having a boyfriend. i wanted to run away and go to my then boyfriend's floorball game and see how things will be after that. i took all the money i had and was ready to go when i suddenly changed my mind and couldn't muster up the courage to do so.

20) i have a habit of talking to myself. i can entertain myself just by talking to myself. i motivate myself by giving myself words of encouragement. i scold myself whenever i do something wrong and i will beat myself up. most of the time, when i talk to myself, myself will reply back to me. i think i have a split personality.

much love and i am terribly missing you lah...

2005-10-07T23:07:00.000+08:00

[mood lalalalalalala ]

(night shots)

2005-10-06T17:17:00.000+08:00

[mood sad ]

so today started off with a not-so-great note. to add on to that, being the selenge that i am, i forgot to bring along my damned identification pass and student pass, either of which was needed in order to sit for the exams. all i can say is that i thank the teachers for not automatically kicking me out of the examination room the moment i was discovered.

though i wish i was a few hours later. human geography paper was such a let down. i stepped into the classroom ready to give it my all and ready to win this battle. however, halfway through, half of the battle was already lost. the information in this small head of mine was of very little significance. the questions seemed to be in foreign language and my answers seemed adverse. right then and there all i wanted to do was to masticate each one of the papers and sally towards the window and jump right down. i know it was impossible but at least it could quell what i was feeling then which was complete shit-ness. but all that is impossible right now and all i can do is pray that i didn't fail and at least get a C for it.

but, the real drama would come soon after that, when i sat down for my econs paper 2. if only you had went through what i went through ( and probably will again ). it was preposterous i tell you. just simply outrageous. imagine having to answer all those questions in an hour. it was simplly insufficient. blisters were already forming on my index finger and the fulcrum of my ring finger is red and thaw with pain due to extensive writing that occured three days ago and earlier on. i sat there restless and exhausted, trying not to panic and constantly telling myself that i could make it through that one hour. i did muster up the ability to finish up my paper only to find out after handing in the paper what a complete ass i had been. at re-looking at the questions, i realized that i had carelessly read the last 10 mark question wrongly. thus, it can only mean that my answers were wrong. at that point of time, i knew that i should be deride at for doing such a stupid and silly mistake. i knew i was just asking for my death. an exaggeration you might say but trust me, it's not.

so basically i just groaned and moaned all the way home and not definitely in a good way. and i was just expecting myself to choke and break down but i didn't. to think that promos was such a killer, how would 'A' levels be like then? i can't wait for promos to be over so that i can finally feel a ten kilo burden lift off my shoulders and i can concentrate on fasting. as for now, just the thought of my performance throughout the promos so far have been extremely brain draining for me. however, i really want this badly. really badly. so please give it to me please. i swear i will study extensively and not repeat those venom mistakes again. =S

and happy birthday to you. you know who you are :)

2005-10-05T12:46:00.000+08:00

[mood sleepy ]

three more papers to go.

*clap clap*

2005-09-27T22:00:00.000+08:00

[mood determined ]

I missed such afternoons when it would be too scorchingly hot for us to be out and when we were, we would just get to that point of no more patience and just curse. It was different today, though we weren't out but for sure we haven't did the things we did today. It would still be me on the merry go round while you stand one corner to make sure I don't spin too fast or fall out from the ride, making sure things would be as rollercoaster as it should be cause my mouth would be open wide against the wind, like a vaccuum without a purpose. And you would stand there smiling and probably one day you would want to join this madness world I'm in, you were once a part of. So when the merry-go-round ride comes to an end, I would step out and walk with two odd feet I don't remember of and you would hold my hand and guide me as we walk away. And I would still laugh at everything I did today because it was sure something I missed doing. Oh, the laughs and my unnecessary barfs and you still laugh at it even when you know it's not really that funny. I am still here when nobody is cause doing anything with you makes it all complete. If what we had was a living thing which came in the form of a human being, I would adore it and bring it out on merry-go-round trips. We all have a purpose and deserve to be happy. I am right now cause paranoia is out of the question. Anything with you is worth it. Even a plane crash. (:

2005-09-24T21:10:00.000+08:00

[mood blah ]

one day when you had enough of the gundowns, probably i'll stop getting up.
one day when i've finally stop trying, maybe then you will realise.
for now you can have fun pulling triggers while i stick myself on the target board.

you know where the heart is.

btw, happy birthday to me. thanks to all that remembered =)

2005-09-21T20:54:00.000+08:00

[mood worried like hell ]

mlep promo paper 1 was unexpectedly a killer. i have a feeling that i won't ace it. but nonetheless, i'm still hoping. so god, please help me through my other papers. please.

that's it, i'm off to mug econs.

2005-09-16T22:57:00.000+08:00

[mood drunk ]

in your life, you meet people. some you never think about again. some you wonder what happened to them. then there are some that you wonder if they ever think about you. and then there are some you wish you never had to think about again. but you still do. so how do you teach your heart that its a crime to fall in love again? -_-

its amazing the things you realize when you lose someone. you get mad at yourself for not saying the things that you could have a million times. you take for granted the days spent doing nothing when you could have been with that special someone. anyone can be taken, at any time in our lives. but we always wait until they're gone to say the things we never had. the irony of that.

i guess some things are better left undone. some battles are better left unwon. some sad songs are better left unsung. some fires are better left unfired. some pages are better left unread. and especially, some things are better left unsaid. but would it be too much to ask? too much too fast? cause i'm all alone and i want you here with me. i know i'm not the best at this. in fact i suck at it. but now, i've had my chance. i don't want much, but just you being here with me. call it brain dead. but i think with my heart and i want you here with me.

oh my. i just realised that this entry is too emo for me. i hate that. it makes me sound as though i am one of those love-sick hopeless people in this world. which is just sad you know. cause i'm definitely not one of them( or am i just being in denial? :P ). so, i'll stop here and save you from my merepek-ness. =)

holding on is harder then it seems
when you're reaching for
so much more

2005-09-13T19:29:00.000+08:00

[mood sore ]

you know i will still accept you no matter what.
so why then did you lie to me? =(

i'm hurt.

2005-09-10T14:36:00.000+08:00

[mood dizzzzzzzzzzzyyyyyyyyyy ]

why is it easier to pour your heart out to a love interest and yet knowing that all this boy-girl crap is nothin more than some deviation to your pathetic teenage life and that best-friend-forever is definitely the one pillar to lean on? i'd get nervy when i talk too much with a certain boy. im scared. like blackmail. girls know not to give nude photos to the boys they are with because when you want to be let go, he wont let you go off easily without you having to cry over and over in regret when you find out your naked photos are available to other internet lurkers. me? its knowing that the boy knew that i am not as strong as i seem. i am not as heartless or uncompassionate as i sound or look. with boys around i dont up my confidence. i up my ego. fuck it, dont expect me to shuffle my feet and twirl my hair around my finger for you. but when im fallen, not only i'd feel like curling myself up at his feet, i'd be ready to ressurect a berlin wall around us and shoot all you fuckers who dare to stain your shitty feet on the shitty ground that we stand upon.

i want a tough love.
the one thats better bruised.

It is not a fetish but more of a force of habit; a habit that is only when I am with you. I will get closer to you and place my nose strategically on the collar of your shirt and inhale deep, as though to take you in, in all of me.

It is not just me, I know. How many times I have caught you with your nose in my hair. It's a chemical romance between senses; stealing fruity scents from each other.

A lover dressed the part to perfection. You will know; you will know because whenever he touches you, you feel like your mind's derailing. Like a train coming at your direction and crash into your legs, so that you will have an excuse to just fall and drop in his arms.

The way you drag on your cigarette sends pre-orgasmic shivers in me and I always wonder if you're the same with me as you are with your (as I would like to assume) second addiction.

Your first addiction, over here, wishes to have your lips on her. And not just anywhere on her. You know where, you have always loved her legs the best. or her...

i want a guy who can make me feel like that.
so mr superman, come and get me wherever you are.
i'm done waiting.

2005-09-07T12:43:00.000+08:00

[mood confused ]

everything's sort of like drugged out or something. sometimes too fast, sometimes too slow. but always not enough. always coming back for more hits.

i don't know where these frustrations are coming from. PMS is long gone. maybe it had had just been a long time since i don't cared about anything, and my head's just trying to reel me back into my cynical and uncompassionate ways.

ah.put a sock in it.

2005-09-05T18:30:00.000+08:00

[mood stress!! ]

so what's up with me lately? i post almost once every few days and yet when i re-read my entries it feels so impersonal and i hate being that way because i will feel so incomplete. therefore, long entry today. read it if you want. many times, it will feel like i am talking about you, which could be right, because i am SOOOOOO bitchy that way.

so here you go; 100 self absorbed cat poop entries in one entry:

i spent more than half day being glued to the chair studying human geog and i still am not done yet. i can't believe we have to study that much for promos. what are they trying to do? purposely fail us? well guess what, they're not going to succeed cause whether they like it or not, i'm going to get that B that i'm aiming for in geography. huh.

so what else about me?

i'm losing friends because i've grown impatient of them. i've never liked all of my friends to begin with because they are all girls and girls are horrible species in general. snarky remarks everytime they spew something out. i'm an angry, bitter and most importantly, a jealous girl so i hate snide remarks from wise ass girls. or worse, too cute full of air crap. why can't they be just simple and nice? im not usually nice to people and i'm only nice to people i like and they either 1) under appreciate you or 2) refuse to believe the fact that just because they have 395 problems, doesnt mean they cant spend 12 minutes being nice. i'm NICE GOD DAMMIT. SO BE NICE TO ME TOO.

to a certain ngok ngok somebody: i hate you. i never thought that one day you would drive me to say this but here it is. I HATE YOU. and to think that we spent nearly three years together as best friends and pratically being sisters. whatever happened to us? was it just me or did you suddenly change and came to a conclusion that i'm just not cool enough to be one of your friends? or, were you just jealous of me? either way, i don't give a fuck about it. you ditched me just so you can be friends with people whom you once admitted to me were your sworn enemies. huh. fuck you. so now all i'm saying is that, i don't even want to be labelled as one of your plastic fake superficial pseudo friends. go on with your life and i'll go on with mine. blah.

and some boys are just jerk faces. sometimes i feel like all you guys care about is the compliments that you are going to receive when you proudly show off your skinny bimbotic girlfriends to your friends and see who has the most prettiest girl. how shallow is that. i'm not generalising that every single guy behaves in that way but there are certainly those species that exist. anyway, i don't care. i like being who i am and just being me. and maybe that's why i can't seem to get a guy to stick by me. fine. who cares anyway. i rather be happy with who i am than feel sorry for myself because i can't seem to find a guy to like me for me.

ok. i feel like a rebel-hero after re-reading what i've type. a hero cause i've said what it is i've always wanted to say and i, a rebel because i know that some things are better left unsaid but i love to cause trouble. causing a fire in someone's heart is one hell of a big trouble.

blah.blah.

2005-09-04T19:22:00.000+08:00

[mood thirsty ]

Today was great. I woke up in a jovial mood for no apparent reason and I was even excited for ugama class. Heh.

Anyways, the fun started when I met up with Nurul in the afternoon for some kiddy craziness. We decided to venture out to Suntec City to check out the new Toys R Us. And just as expected, it was packed. But nonetheless, we still managed to roam about and have some sheer highness. I swear the people there were looking at us as if we were two over-sized deprived teenagers. Well, in actual fact, we are :)

( i'm just a kid)

Oh wells. The holiday assignments are waiting and muggathon is already calling. So off I go.

2005-09-01T18:38:00.000+08:00

[mood huh? ]

i can't do it anymore.
i give up.
i surrender.

Another chapter in my life sealed. Was it for the better or for the worst? I don't know. I just didn't expect it to end this way and to hurt this bad =(

2005-08-28T23:30:00.000+08:00

[ mood geeky ]

Saturday was dragonboating together with the rest of the interactors at kallang river. Ahh..what can I say. The sea turns me on. Or in this case, the river. =P

(we belong to the sea)

Ok. Today was quite alright I suppose. Relatives from the paternal side came over for a family gathering. I managed to complete most of my homework. I managed to mug marine fish stock for geog. And yup. Thats it.

Oh wells. This has been a very short random entry. But nonetheless, the weekend was fulfilling :)

2005-08-19T22:50:00.000+08:00

[mood blank ]

Its really strange how you absolutely know you love something so much, but realize it even more when its gone.

I miss him.

2005-08-15T16:46:00.000+08:00

[mood ihavenofeelingsanymoreexceptforbeingacompleteloser ]

Today was absolutely not a good day for me. Absolutely not.Early in the morning, I already knew that it was going to be a looooooong draggy fucked up day. What not, I came to school in a switch off mood and I have only got myself to blame because I was such in a mess. I didn't complete my tutorials and assignments and thus making me very edgy and disorganized. And to add on to that, I should have been studying over the weekends but I simply have no idea how I wasted my time the last two days.

First dissapointment of the day: Econs essay results. Blah. As expected, I failed. 10/25. And the results for my 3rd BE insights didn't help either. 2/5. I absolutely have no idea what is becoming of me. Am I slacking too much? Am I not putting in enough effort? Am I procrastinating? I can't put my finger to what the whole problem is.

Second dissapointment of the day: Econs lecture. I didn't have a clue to what the teacher was talking about. Please teacher. Spare us. Tell us something beneficial for once or put it in easier terms as to what you are talking to about. I am trying my very best here to fully internalise all the fresh information that you are throwing at us. So please, help me understand. I don't want to be a cuckoo-head.

Third dissapointment of the day: Physical Geog all-of-a-sudden timed written assignent. This written assignment is a definite fail for me. Since it was a surprise test, obviously I didn't study as I can't possibly predict the future. And worst is, I got it all mixed up and upside down. I know my facts but they're all just mixed up. Sarcastically great. She expects us to pass this assignment very well but I'm sorry to say that I'm going to be the black ugly sheep in the class who can't do that. I'm going to bring the whole class' standard and reputation down. See what I am? A complete loser

Fourth dissapointment of the day: And to add on to everything that happened today, I have a heightful of homework that needs to be completed. And that homework, just keeps on growing and growing and growing :( I am definitely burning the midnight oil tonight. I have no choice.

Well, that just sums it up. All in all, I am a complete shame to everyone who has been pinning high hopes on me. I am a complete embarrasment and shame especially to myself. I can just feel my self-esteem going way down the toilet and being flushed away into a disrespectful and dirty place for people like me. I am a failure.Huh. I can't even keep the guy I love by my side and now I am expecting myself to bring myself back up again? Oh how I wish.

Thats just it. This is the end of it. This is the end of all the fucked up attitude that I have been portraying myself as. Its time to get my priorities right. No more playing and fiddling around. Now, my world is going to revolve around getting my As. I want my As and nobody is going to stop me. This is it .

2005-08-14T10:24:00.000+08:00

[mood bluek..]

( a day at the market )

2005-08-13T20:34:00.000+08:00

[ mood huhwhateverlah]

No love,no glory.

It's worrying how one can fall in love so quickly,and then fall out of love after realising that he's more in love with someone else. And then things go wrong between the two of them, and he realises that he loves the former more. And he then leaves the latter for the former. Only to find out the former realised that she's more in love with someone else.

This bothers me.

Is it better to be loved more, or love more?

Love. Shouldn't it be eternal? How is it possible for one to love more than one. If it's said to be a different kind of love, how different is it then. I know perspective matters. But when you put it all to perspective, things become different for every single soul involved. And it gets even more complicated,even harder to comprehend, even more difficult to think and feel about.

Blah. I really shouldn't be thinking about this.

I don't like being emo. I want to be unemo.

2005-08-12T18:20:00.000+08:00

[mood as round as a ball!!!!!!! ]

Oh, how I wish things would change. I could just use a passing glance, trust me, that will be enough. The thing is, how can it be enough, I think I love you so much that my bones literally broke and I can't cry hard enough for everything that has been happening. It hurts, the pain is unbearable. I am just so tired I want to crash and never wake up, not until you see me. I want and need time to think, get my mind off this itch, this swell that has been buliding up inside me. All I want is you. Fuck you, never meant to fucking love you. If only we had never met.. this longing would never happen..

2005-08-07T18:50:00.000+08:00

[mood lonely....]

its strange to hear you sound like you don't need me anymore

2005-08-05T19:10:00.000+08:00

[mood cramped ]

the irony of how one gets hurt by someone else but treats someone else the same way that they got hurt. why?

I was thinking of that just minutes ago. It's so true isn't it. I'm slowly losing faith in so many things. And I feel like they're eating me inside out. But I have so much in my life right now, it's overwhelming yet I feel like my life's so mundane. It's not something food nor sleep could figure/solve for me. I haven't had a decent sleep for the longest time. A proper conversation on the phone. A real hug. A good cry. A solitude moment .

How do I leave a past which was created in my mind. To lose something I never had. To miss and be missed back. To love and be loved. To care and be cared.

I'll leave.
But please take care.

2005-08-04T19:59:00.000+08:00

[mood oh so very fragile ]

I miss Hockey:( Terribly miss everything about it.

The feel of holding the stick.
The intense trainings.
The importance of being a good VC.
The effort of teamwork
The tense competitive atmosphere.
The wide wet green hockey pitch.
The coach shouting at us to run for space.
The unfair umpires.
Th spirit of determination and perserverance.
The victory.
The losses.
Everything.

So thats why when we were training for the Hockey Open tomorrow earlier on, I simply let myself loose. It was just great. Really really great. Being able to experience a piece of it again.

I miss being called a hockey player. I miss HOCKEY.

2005-08-02T20:57:00.000+08:00

[mood high ]

Jealousy is the green monster that never runs away from me.
The green monster hides under my bed now and it comes out once a month.

Why do I feel this sudden jealousy all of a sudden. A sudden surge of emotions runs through my veins and corrupts the head, the heart. I cannot even start explaining how these feelings get to me. I try to shut it out. To not think about it. But the more I try, the more intense it gets. Its unfathomable how I'm going to react. It's my weakness I guess. Sometimes, the heart... I don't know what it does. but I find myself wanting to cry. I have friends, people around me all the time and people to talk to.. But why do I feel so lonely. Like there's a piece of me lost. Or not intact or just plain spoiled. Secretly, there are so many things that I want to do. Emotions are piling up. And I don't know. Certain people in my class make me want to strangle them. Other than that, most of them are potential besties.

It may be over but it won't stop there,
I am here for you if you'd only care.
You touched my heart you touched my soul.
You changed my life and all my goals.
And love is blind and that I knew when,
My heart was blinded by you.

I've kissed your lips and held your head.
Shared your dreams and shared your bed.
I know you well, I know your smell.
I've been addicted to you.

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.
You have been the one.
You have been the one for me.

Ahahhaha. I had a nice time with him today. I realised that we get on better now that we're just friends. I guess its because you just come to realise that even though someone is within reach, you'll never be able to get hold of them. Its human nature. You'll never know what you've got until you've lost it. *shrugs*

2005-07-31T09:27:00.000+08:00

[mood broken ]

I can just feel my world

F
A
L
L
I
N
G

A
P
A
R
T

All because of you.

I can't believe that you would do that.

Especially on our 2 and a half.

Just go away.

Leave me alone.

2005-07-30T21:40:00.000+08:00

[mood hardworking..................really??? ]

Manifestasi yesterday night was just absolutely SUPERB!! And I am not saying that just because I am a tpjcian but because it really was. Everything was just spectacular. From the stage props to the acting to the tarian to the dikir performance. Everything. I am definitely going for next years's :)

Anyway today was mugging session with Liyana and him at the library. I was supposed to go for this mlep thing at the library but I decided not to go cause I rather study than listen to someone talk about his book. I don't mean to be rude and I totally do appreciate sastera and all that but just not that much yah? So mugging session took place till 7 but of course with a few breaks in between. Even so, I still am not yet done. I'm definitely not procrastinating but there's just so much to do...

I am absolutely full with gas right now. Gas just keeps on coming out of me. Both up and down. Tee- hee.. :p I think it was because of the lemon chicken that I ate earlier on at LJS. Oh wells.. just bear with me people..

2005-07-28T19:56:00.000+08:00

[mood worried ]

Great. Oh so great. I just know I screwed up on my Econs essay test earlier on despite it being an open-page test. I just had to leave out that one most important point in the whole entire essay despite already writing quite a lengthful. Quality and not quantity sarah...And because I know that I already screwed up, I made Hafezah suffer because she had to bear hearing all of my whinings. I'm turning into such a whiny. I'm so sorry Fezah..I'll make it up to you kays...

And PE assesment today was not as bad as I thought it would be. But, clearly I don't have badminton skills. I can't even serve properly and I'm sure that the teacher (whom I still don't even know his name because all the PE teachers look alike) was quite disappointed by that. I'm sorry again but at least I passed right? A 6 out of 10.

Also, to all the people out there, my ear is not constantly bleeding. It is infected. Yes, I know its gross and all red but I can't possibly come to school with a bandaged ear. Haha. And sorry for the second time to him cause we've not been meeting lately. Its because of my infected ear. The fact that you think that my ears are very cute and sexy makes me so embarassed to see you. Yes, very lame and unreasonable but thats the way it is.

I'm done for now. I shall continue on fiddling around with my infected ear while studying for tomorrow's urbanisation test. Ciao people.

2005-07-24T14:54:00.000+08:00

[mood sick ]

I'm so tired of apologizing to myself for you and what you've done to me. I've tried to forgive myself for caring too much about you but there's really nothing that I can do anymore.

2005-07-23T21:50:00.000+08:00

[mood empty.... ]

( more? )

They're showing this show regarding the conspiracy theory about whether man really did land on the moon. I kinda like the fact that some people actually take time to investigate whether all of it was just a hoax to make us all believe that mankind did achieve something big. I have to say that I was a true believer of NASA but after watching this, I don't think I'm such a big fan of NASA anymore. Sianz..See what type of influence media has over people?

Anyways, mugging session with the girls at changi airport was well. The viewing mall is indeed a very conducive place. No distractions, no disturbance. Although I must say that I was kinda distracted at first by the wonderful scenery due to never being there before ( I'm serious ). Not that I'm saying that I can't study at home. But these types of peaceful environment accompanied by soothing music just makes me want to study. Managed to go through ecos and a little bit of geog. Hah. Could have done more if only my stomach hadn't been grumbling after 2 and a half hours of mugging.

And hey..I realised that the airport was really huge. O.0

2005-07-22T18:41:00.000+08:00

[mood giggly ]

Ever thought of how your life could be so great one day with not much worries and alot of hapiness, everything's going your way and you are just doing your thing, then the next day, your life is in shambles. Within seconds, all that you've ever lived for or all that happiness goes away? Unexpectedly. It's like you don't go like " hmm i wonder whether my life is going to suck tomorrow " you know what I mean? It's like of cause you don't anticipate getting hurt, falling sick or i don't know some one dying or something. But after 17 years of living, I still find it weird that you REALLY do not know what's going to happen like 50 seconds from now.

You may DIE. That'll be bad. But it's just weird that one second you could be in the best place of your life and the next, you're nothing but a piece of garbage. Emotional fluctuations are really common amongst people. Or should I say common in me? How is it are these things possible? How can one change so much within a matter of seconds/minutes/days/weeks.

Have you once thought of how you were say a few years ago? I was SO much more different. I guess going through alot of things has made me a better/worse person but I have definitely learnt alot from the experiences. Having met alot of people, some with particularly annoying attributes,peculiar sense of humour and even people who just makes you want to kill them. I think I've learnt that no matter where you are, or how old you are, there will ALWAYS be people like this that just makes you unhappy. People who don't click with you. But at the same time, there are those who will undeniably be there for you no matter what. Those type of friends are just level 10. Trio Tralala 4eva :) And so I've learnt to just live with all of this.

So ok, mlep class was exceptionally fun today. Though I was really tired the whole day. Anyways, me and nurul went to popular at TM after class. Being the childish and cheapskate jc students that we are ( hahaha ), we were gushing over a beaded watch which was only for a dollar. I swear all the other people there were looking at us. But who cares. And I saw Shu Jie today! Girl you so chiobu can? :)

Ok muah. Shmuckaroos.

2005-07-18T21:41:00.000+08:00

[mood messy ]

Bumping into you today was not on my to-do list. However, I'm not saying that I regret it. I'm actually quite glad. Its been a long time since we last met and talked. Even though today was just purely coincidental and infrormal, it was nice getting to talk to you again.

But hey..don't ever regret what you did or what you never did. Its all in the past. The past is what that makes what it is today. The past is what makes us friends today. And I hope you'll cherish that rather than dwell on what we should or shouldn't have done.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes its better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together.

2005-07-17T21:46:00.000+08:00

[mood sad because i'm fat ]

Woowee. Durians for breakfast was just a wonderful way to start the day. Am feeling abit miffed quite I can't quite get over the fact that I've started to become a durian addict. All thanks to my mom :) Yes. I now declare myself the durain queen like RAWR!! Oh who cares a shit about durian being calorie and cholestrol-laden! Its a fruit and thus its healthy and good for me. Yes yes yes!

The past term has been a rude wake-up call for most of us to study harder for the promos. Including me. Official CT results :
MLEP - B
Geography- C
Econs - C
AO maths - C6.
Blah. Triple Cs. Nonetheless, thank you God for making me pass all of my subjects. All least thats something to be satisfied about. But, its not like I didn't study you know? Sigh. I guess it all boils down to studying smart. A technique which I am sure I would have to work on. But for a start, I am going to do as much as I can before the promos. I still have GP and MLEP and Econs to complete though.

Annnnnndddddd.....the battle against flab has begun. Despite considering the fact that I am now desperately in love with that thorny being. But, I am trying to stick to a two-meals a day diet. I doubt it will help but its worth a shot. Arrgh!! Just let me shed some 1 or 2 kg dammit!!

I guess thats it.

2005-07-15T17:55:00.000+08:00

[mood annoyed ]

DON'T COME NEAR MEEEEE.

I can't take this.

Stop giving me crap. And I'll stop giving you hell. I can do this all day..(you asked for it anyway). Now you're getting it. Happy? Sure hope you're having the time of your life. You're real thick if you don't even realise the sarcasm.

( we're different, so what? )

2005-07-10T18:38:00.000+08:00

[mood flirty bitch ]

ok.

I have no idea why this hit me so hard. Suddenly I feel like the world's only superficial. There's no one to love or be loved. Just us strangers walking aimlessly. There's no meaning to life and the world just got smaller and just keeps getting smaller. I feel like I'm being torn apart and living through a window just watching others with their superficial lives. Dead. Depressed. And everything I see is in greys..thoroughly depressing. I can't even try to describe this feeling. Not being able to cry is far worse than crying itself. I swear I've never felt this way before.

( let's all move on )

2005-07-09T21:08:00.000+08:00

[mood okay ]

The morning started off with mentoring training somewhere at Boon Keng. After meeting my mentees on wednesday, I have to admit that I'm quite thrilled to start becoming a mentor. Finally, I get to help at least make a positive difference in someone's life. In my case, two lives. Anyways, the training was beneficial and indeed fulfilling. I learnt many various ways in handling the mentees and how basically to just befriend them. Hearing positive experiences from experienced mentors drove me to even more want to be a part of someone's life.

The part of the training where they taught us on how to always look at people's positive traits instead of looking and pin-pointing out other's negative aspects, really got me thinking. Maybe all these while I have been looking at the dark side of people and not allowing myself to see their better half. Maybe I don't even give people a chance to prove their positive characteristics. I should change. But at the same time, I come to realise that maybe others are doing the same thing to me as well. They're not giving me a chance. I'm not naming names but they should just come and realise their actions. Friends don't do that. Oh wait, I forgot..I'm no longer your friend. I'm no longer in your "group of friends". I guess that's fine by me. I have to move on don't I? Why dwell on it for too long :(

And get this, we did an ISS test (which stands for intenal shame skill..I think..) , and the test results show that I have poor self-esteem with frequent feelings of shame. ?????? Me? As far as I know, I have no shame. Haha. Good thing or a bad thing? You decide. Sarah muka tembok. Hehe.

On a lighter note, after training ended,the three of us went for lunch and totally went beserk. :P Hah. Relieving stress I guess.

( love us? hate us? )

I met up with him soon after. He mentioned something about wanting to spend quality time together. We headed on to pasir ris beach where we did just nothing but nonetheless, it was still quite alright. The time spent together was not much and I was quite disappointed by that. So much for spending quality time. Oh wells, a short weekend awaits.

2005-07-04T18:57:00.000+08:00

[mood pukey ]

I went to watch war of the worlds today with the family. It was just remarkable. Imagine a world being invaded by very technologically advanced life forms that have already planned to wipe out earth eons ago. I fancy sci-fiction movies. Definite must watch.

Anyways, I have a strong feeling that I'm going to have to quit dikir. I can no longer be involved in Manifestasi. Its just too much. I haven't been going to dikir training for the past two weeks due to having to study for CT. But now that CT is over, I still don't think I'm able to fully put myself in it. I can already see the heavy work load coming. Especially PW. Blah.

I feel so berat pantat right now. And I have to seriously download new songs onto my MP3. My songs are getting old-school.

2005-07-03T23:58:00.000+08:00

[mood tired ]

Sunday is officially jemputan day. What not, three jemputans in one day. By the time we reached the last jemputan which was at woodlands all the way from bedok, I was completely pooped out and full to the brim. I just know that I am going to gain a few more pounds from all that nasi minyak and coloured drinks. Hah. Nonetheless, I'm not complaining cause I just love going to jemputans. Must be the scrumptious and free food. But, I have to say that I'm quite turned off at those people who gave useless stuff as bunga telur. Come on. What good is a fancy but ugly egg holder? Who uses them anyway? They're just a waste of money. Stick to the traditional gift which is just bolied eggs. Or give us something productive and useful. Nyeh. For my wedding, I'm not going to have any of this nonsense. I'm going to give them all attractive notebooks or as my mother suggested, stationary sets :)

The rest of the afternoon was quite monotoneous actually. So, I followed my parents to the airport to fetch my uncle whose stopping by here for a night. Sitting around, gorging on Mcdonalds and joking around at the airport was uber fun. The uncle came with a few of his friends but together with alot of luggages. We headed on to nenek's house then.

They decided to overnight at a hotel instead as they were complaining about the hot weather. Obviously, what do they expect? Winter here in Singapore just like in Melbourne? If only. Anyways, the hotel hunting took place at Geylang. Roaming aroung geylang late at night was interesting actually. All those fancy lights and pubs. From inside the car of course. After the whole thing was settled, we headed on home with my cousin whom decided to sleepover. Oh wells, eventful day indeed.

2005-07-01T13:24:00.000+08:00

[mood lonely]

Common test was officially over since the last three days ago but I still feel no sense of relief or satisfaction. I think I worry too much about my results. I should enjoy while I can during this short break but I'm not making full use of it. The past three days have been aimlessly filled with boredom at home. I have not done anything productive nor anything exciting as well. To add on to that, I am aware that I have already gained 986534 pounds. I swear my double chin is starting to show. I'm such a worry-wart and a lazy-ass and a fat cow.

On a more solemn note, I miss having friends. Sometimes I feel that the people I cared about seemed so far away from me. And I think I ached for them. Why does it seem that people don't care about anything else but themselves? Or is it just me. But I know I am not imagining things. I can feel it.

What is wrong with me?

Sometimes I feel like the people I can count on are the people whom I've never been there for to begin with. And the people whom I've always been for, they're not there. Oh wells, life goes on. And even if we are tormented by its moving on, we just have to move on too, somehow. Even if we sometimes feel like crawling back to our past then let it snuggle you to sleep. Everybody wishes for things to stay the same, but they can't. People are tormented because life goes on, not because it goes away.

I thought I should write all that down before I forget anymore. I don't need sympathy. I just don't want to feel alone anymore.

Time takes it all, whether you want it to or not. Time takes it all, time bears it away, and in the end there is only darkness. Sometimes we find others in that darkness, and sometimes we lose them there again.

2005-06-29T18:11:00.000+08:00

[mood fuck off ]

You're not aware of what you are doing. But it's really acerbic and hurtful. Is it because you're oblivious to those around you? I hope you're not doing it on purpose cause I didn't know you were such a cold-hearted being. What happened to all those times when you said that you'll always be there for me? Total crap. What was I thinking, lying to myself. Who am I kidding? I guess PRETENDING is the easiest way possible to evade from the truth though it might end up to be more destructive in the end. I.Dont.Care. I can't deal with it right now. I can't start now and I'm too tired. If I am to break, let it be later rather than sooner. Please bear me away from these troubles.

I want to cry, wail for all I care. Cause I can't take the misery and the self loathing penting up inside. I just want to break. I don't want to be strong anymore. I don't need to be. I am being driven to madness piece by piece. Internally, I'm starting to hate you. All because of you. You are the cause of my unstability. I want to go back to the start. Start on a fresh, clean, spotless slate. But life's unfair and that never happens. Give me one last chance? I doubt so. Cause in the first place I don't even know where I went wrong. It was you.

Please leave me to suffocate. We might as well should be strangers in another town. We might as well should be living in a different world. All colours fade to black and black describes how I'm feeling now. EMPTY. I want to be alone. Leave, please? I dont want to see myself suffer.

Blah.I bet i'm not the only one who's feeling pretty low/depressed these days...man, I don't want to go through another rough time. Had enough to deal with the last time.But life goes on and it all comes back in the end. It's the same cycle, repeated overtime waits for no man. And we keep chasing after things we will never get. End up doing things that we regret. But time does not sit still nor does it go back.

Poot.I'm not sure if its just lethargy or that someone at 16 is just world-weary. Is that even plausible? Sick of all that's happening. Some kind of best friend you are.

2005-06-25T19:10:00.000+08:00

[mood unbelievable ]

Its surprising how one incident can make you question each other's trust and loyalty in the relationship. I feel guilty. But so should he. Its a pity. After all the fun we had yesterday.

I purposely woke up early today just to follow my parents to pasir ris park. Our intended plan was to have a jog there but we ended playing at the adventure site. Much fun indeed. I really deserved the break after all that studying and heart-wreckssssss.

( morning glory at pasir ris )

2005-06-24T20:10:00.000+08:00

[mood anxious ]

Day out with him was just total love:)

2005-06-21T12:30:00.000+08:00

[mood busy ]

I feel so rushed and disorganised. Common test is nearing in less than a week's time. Temasek Seminar being held tomorrow. Project work still at task. Extensive dikir training after CT. And to add on to that, he's being such an ass-hole recently.

Commitments and responsibilities. Thats what I have my hands full off. What was I thinking when I got myself into all this? As much I loathe all of this, I have to say that I like the feeling that I have things to handle. Hah. Contradictions. But seriously, it just makes me feel so mature.

Even after 309624 mugging sessions, I still feel unprepared.Blah.

2005-06-16T20:37:00.000+08:00

[mood hardworking ]

Day out with family turned out quite ok. My father took the day off thus, we were able to spend the whole day together. Family-bonding I must say. Already early in the morning, we were out of the house by 9 am. We headed out to Singapore National Eye Centre for my brother's eye check-up. The place was very sophisticated despite being just an eye centre. Anyway, we had to wait for more than two hours for the whole check-up to be completed. Me and my siblings in the end resulted in playing all sorts of mindless games and taking camera phone snapshots just to keep ourselves fully entertained. Boring seh.

We headed on to Raffles City soon after. I didn't realise till now that Singapore is actually quite a beautiful city afterall. In particular, I didn't do much shopping. I just didn't find the need to. Surprise surprise. Guess I just wasn't in the mood for getting new stuffs. Nyeh. After Raffles City, it was Suntec. We did more of window shopping but even more of groceries shopping at Carrefour. I really think we should go to town more often. There's just so much things to see. Ooohh..and I just realised that I have a new obsession with escalators.

So, we just had to go to Tampines Mall after that for lunch as we couldn't decide where to eat. Even more window shopping for me. But, I managed to get myself a funky glittery belt courtesy of my father. I like going out with the parentals cause I don't have to pay for the things I want. Hah. I feel so evil but nonetheless, I'm still grateful. 0_o

I feel so pleased with myself. But I just don't know why. =)

2005-06-15T19:53:00.000+08:00

( let the rain fall down and wash away my sanity )

2005-06-14T18:34:00.000+08:00

[mood bored ]

I think I'm not normal. I start to get indecisive when it comes to matters of the heart. Its not that I have already altogether forgotten about you, but the fact is that I just want to face reality before it slaps me hard in the face. I don't want another bawling period. I don't want to go through another emo therapy session. Somewhere in my head, I'm starting to re-develop these senses that I want you in my arms. Again. But, I can't bear to lose to temptation once more. As much I want you back, I can't. Its just not right.

Nonetheless, you still know how to make me smile :)

2005-06-13T17:16:00.000+08:00

[mood high ]

=) The day was fun. I went out with my sister as planned. We started off by doing some shopping for clothes. I had already made up my mind days ago that I wanted to get for myself a new skirt. But, as soon as I got there, I couldn't decide what I really wanted ( fickle-minded me...). So after much trying on, I got myself two pairs of pants. Heh. We then headed down to TM where we went hunting for accessories. Since I was feeling very rich, I managed to get myself more stuff.

We decided to gorge on Old Chang Kee whilst making our way back home on foot. Nyeh. I used to think that cats were really cute but after the encounter today, I totally changed my mind. I do have a liking for animals but maybe not that much, especially when they are hungry. I had to result to standing on the void deck chairs as I was afraid that the cat that began circling our table, would suddenly pounce on us. Seeing that we were happily stuffing down food down our throats, I don't exactly blame the cat for doing so. In the end, I had to sacrifice my squid ball which I so totally wanted, to the cat. I swear the cat is going to get high blood pressure and high cholesterol from all that eating.

We ended the day by going to the park nearby where we just did nothing but made total fools of ourselves in the eyes of the public. Nonetheless, it was entertaining though. I love days like this. It makes me feel so free.

( Sisters' Day Out = Fun )

2005-06-11T18:08:00.000+08:00

[mood geeky ]

I woke up today with a bad hangover. I couldn't make up my mind whether I wanted to go for dikir training. It was either that or I would have to follow my parents to kenduri. Finally, I decided to head off to school. What can I say..I already made a serious commitment to dikir. Overall, the training wasn't that bad considering the fact that I came to school in a "switch off" mood. But nonetheless, I still hate the fact that we have to spend so much time repeating the same verse over and over again. Its getting kind of boring you know. But still, it was alright.

Headed on to Tampines Mall after that to meet up with my family. Being the hungry cow that I am, I straightforwardly demanded that we went to eat lunch first as I was already on the verge of starvation. Heh. We went window shopping then and I got myself a pair of very retro white pumps. And also, being the generous person that I am :) , I kindly bought for my sister a pair of shoes as well. I feel so good and nice. :D

Two weeks of holidays are nearly over and I still have not yet completed studying for my common test. Minus all the extra activities that I have, it looks like I only have about one and a half more weeks left to mug for the test. I hate feeling so disorganised. But, at least I've already completed all of my holidays assignments. It was such a drag. I can no longer afford to procrastinate. Time is ticking. So yah, I have to focus and get my priorities straight. Ain't that right.

I'm starting to miss you bit by bit. I know I don't admit this to you but the reason is only because I don't want to risk falling again. I looked at him, and he looked at me.And for that split second it was like... we forgave each other for everything. I like that. How I wish it was that easy.

2005-06-09T20:19:00.000+08:00

[mood sad ]

Dian Cinta
oleh: Sarah N.

Selama dua tahun
Api dianku setia menyala
Memberi hidupku cahaya
Membakar segala rasa duka

Selama dua tahun
Api dianku setia membakar
Menghapuskan segala angkara
Memupuk seribu harapan

Selama dua tahun
Api dianku setia bersinar
Menghadiakan sebuah permata
Melahirkan segumpal suria

Kini setelah dua tahun
Api dianku akhirnya padam
Apa yang pernah ku anggap permata
Kian melukakan seperti kaca

Ku kini sedar
Api cinta yang dahulunya membara
Sudah tidak lagi ku yang punya

Aku tahu aku tidak mempunyai kuasa untuk mengubah keputusan kau. Seberapa tergurisnya hatiku ini, aku akan tetap mengurniakan kehendak kau. Inilah yang kau mahu. Inilah yang akan ku berikan kepada kau. Ingatlah perjanjian kita.

2005-06-04T05:35:00.000+08:00

[mood weird ]

Fact: I'm not a nice person. I'm rotten and bitter. I don't see things in a positive light cause I believe learning through negative experiences makes it a better lesson learnt. Honestly, I find it hard to be courteous and polite to other human beings. There's no point in smiling at random people anymore. Of course not everyone is bad but still. I hate girls despite the fact that I am a member of their species as well. I know that I am right and everything else is just plain wrong. Just face it, I'm a two-faced bitch.You can't change me. Nobody can cause this is what I've changed into. Give me a decade. A good ten years. Maybe I'll be nicer. Maybe.

Urgh. I am in one of those fucking moods again. Blame it on pms. I hate it when this happens. It just can't be helped (this could be an excuse but I never bother to know for sure). Fuck Fuck Fuck. Everything just doesn't seem right. I get pissed off ever so easily. And surprise surprise, I'm pissed off right now. Even the smallest of things can flare me up. It's annoying. Period.

PROCRASTINATE. PROCRASTINATE. PROCRASTINATE. PROCRASTINATE.

*I might be angry and a fuckhead right now but I might be as happy as a lamb tomorrow. So dont take anything I've just written seriously except for everything I've just written. Hur. No wonder he always complains.

2005-06-03T18:39:00.000+08:00

[mood pathethic ]

i BiTe mY:: t0nGue

{EvErytimE *U c0me Ar0Und b'CoZ}

~bLOOd in mY` m0utH Is beT+er

^thAn^ Te@rS oN tHe "Gr0und".

2005-06-01T19:45:00.000+08:00

[mood devious ]

Little things matter so much to me. Doesn't anybody get that? Not even you I suppose. I hate feeling this way. Its much easier if the girl wasn't me right? Its much easier for you.

Oh well.. let me just say this. I've reached this stage where I don't want to argue with you over these things already cause I'll eventually cry even though the matter might be the most trivial. Sure there are those nights that I just want to rip every thing away again, but I don't. I know I'm stronger than that. I'm so much better than you. I've learned my lesson and I know I'm going to be just fine even after all that has been said and done. So don't worry. Do whatever you think is right even if you think it might upset me. I don't want to be a control freak or something. We're only 16-17 after all. Its okay lah. Dah malas ah seriously.

Lalala.

2005-05-29T21:00:00.000+08:00

[mood confused ]

Indirectly, I get a feeling that at times people expect too much from me. Responsibilities and hopes being pushed altogether at me. A part of me is scared that I would not be able to live up to those expectations. A part of me is rebelling that I should be the one being in control of things. I don't know.

2005-05-28T19:38:00.000+08:00

[mood discontent]

saya rindukan awak...

2005-05-26T20:00:00.000+08:00

[mood degraded]

I wonder what will happen if I were to tell you that despite being busy and tired and all that, you're still the last thought that lingers on my mind before I close my eyes and drift off to somewhere else and you are the first that comes to my mind when I open my eyes.I believe that what we have is magical. I know I have special this connection with you, though you don't seem to see it. It's like when I turn around without a reason I can think of whenever I know you're nearby. I can pick you out of a crowd of over a hundred almost instantly sometimes. It's almost as if I can feel your presence. What I feel is inexorable. Would it be a lie after a while or would it prove to be something evil because all I ever did was to raise your hopes and yet fail to keep to my word?

Anyway, today I learnt that sometimes, its just really better to not do anything at all when you simply do not know what to do about certain issues. Because sometimes, saying something or making a gesture without knowing its consequences might lead to unwanted and unexpected answers. I wasn't expecting the reply that I got today. It got me thinking about my actions. Making me have a feel of guilt right now. I feel so inane at times. The urge to trumpet out strings of scurrilous attacks is just getting stronger. Is it possible to feel angry, heart-broken and disappointed all at once? Possibly.

I need a break.

2005-05-12T14:55:00.000+08:00

[mood zombie-like ]

cover my ears from all this cries
close my eyes from all the sight
put and end to all this burning
cause your screams compounds my yearning

should i shoot the head or swallow some pills?
slit my wrists and watch the tub fill?
maybe tie that rope and pull it tight
i'll be sleepin' sound by the end of this night

an extra thick rope for that sliver feeling
please don't mind me hanging 3 feet from the ceiling
this is how it is
this is how it always will be

you sucked my veins dry
just for that white powder high
you kept me continously coming
entangled beneath your heavy breathing

but now i come to see the light
when i let the boy in
that was when the bloodshed softly begin
and the tears were welcomed in

thank you for all the lacerations
tossing away those dreamy thoughts
thank you for making me realise
there is finally salvation in suicide

copyright of Sarah N... :)

2005-05-07T23:09:00.000+08:00

[mood bouncy ]

Went to Hwa Chong Institution as one of the supporters for TPJC. Stepping into the school was like stepping into a huge holiday resort. Fancy and sophisticated. A tinge of jealously sparked inside of me when I began observing the school and students. Anyways, as I sat there watching all the other 16 schools perform, I bagan wondering whether TPJC still had a shot at winning. I must say, AJC and ACJC did set the standard of the competition. Very impressive. Nonetheless, it was still a shocker when TPJC came in fourth while some of the other schools which I thought were damn good only won certificates of participation. The chief judge pointed out something about being clear between theater and recital. Oh wells...And SRJC was very deserving of the second position. Although I thought they should have came in first. Nyahaha.

A certain incident there made me wonder whether I was doing the right thing. Whether I was saying the right thing. I didn't want to convey the wrong message. Blah.

Hah. A sense of satisfaction cause I managed to clean out my closet. I had to threw out one third of the stuff I had in there. Didn't know I had a whole lot of garbage hibernating in my closet. Anyways,I stumbled upon an old gift given to me by an old flame while cleaning out. Haiz..As usual, all those memories came bombarding back, making me have second thoughts on whether I had done the right thing. It has been nearly three years now. What's done can't be undone. We have moved on. I just hope you are doing well . =D

2005-05-06T23:50:00.000+08:00

[mood blank ]

Sports Day was just plain fun. All the screaming and cheering succeeded in instilling the Arts Faculty Spirit in me. Haha... albeit the fact that the arts faculty was the second last faculty, I had to say we were the most enthu faculty. Great time.

Proceeded on for Interact Club soon after. My legs feeling like jelly are evidence that the whole voluntary work in giving out the flyers at Bedok was exhausting. Nonetheless, we managed to complete it =) Self-satisfied I must say. Oh wells, the four of us then headed down to EastPoint Banquet where we met Fatimah as promised. Another non-stop laughing session. I swear my stomach is aching from all that exposure to laughing. But still, great time.

I am supposed to be doing a sajak but my brain doesn't seem to be functioning. Tired from all the laughing I guess. Haiz..another busy day tomorrow.

2005-05-04T16:33:00.000+08:00

[mood sleepy]

Bummer. I screwed up my GP comprehension test. Blame it on the hot sticky weather that was making me fall asleep. I practically did the paper on my way to dream-gogo land :( Its safe to say that I will volunteer myself to be in the GP remedial class.

Erp. Econs and Maths are calling me. I can just hear it.

2005-04-30T08:19:00.000+08:00

[ mood dehydrated ]

I have tried everything I can, but nothing seems to work anymore. I am amazed at the way I still need you. I still want to be the only person that matters to you. I still want you to be here with me. I still want you to say that I'm your girl. I still want you to reassure me that we were meant to be. I still want you to save me.

BUT

I wish I could just erase the memories and forget about you. Forget your face. Forget your warm kisses and embrace. I wish that this burning laceration would go away. I wish that you wouldn't make me smile everytime when I see its your number calling on my phone. I wish you would stop allowing me to come back to you. I wish I just knew why.

State of confusion is overcoming this frenzy heart of mine. ~~Oh wells, so even if it kills me, I'm just gonna smile and try to keep it together.~~ Nothing hurts more than love darlings.

2005-04-26T21:17:00.000+08:00

[mood hot ]

Introduction of the Students' Council elects today. Wakaka. I am so voting for THAT person. He's cute. He's funny. His speech had an effective impact on me. He's cute. He's cute. And oh yah, he's cute. Sheesh, talk about being biased towards people. =)

2005-04-21T16:05:00.000+08:00

[mood blah ]

I walk past all the art paintings in school and I get jealous. I want to be blessed with an innate ability to express my thoughts through art as well. I want to be artistically-inclined. Can? Guess its a little too late now.

Nyeh. Bahas is on tomorrow. I so can't be bothered anymore lah. My interest in debating has just suddenly vaporized recently. I have no idea what's the cause of it. I don't even care whether I get selected into the school team or not. What initially was pure love has turned into a dark hatred. Bah. Dancefest? I can't decide whether I'm going or not. I've been getting such strong persuasions from certain people. It's kind of short notice to make a decision now anyways. I heard that he's going to be performing. Oh wells, I'm so over him. Sorry. =0

I wish my imagination would put itself to better use, like coming up with new ideas for PW instead of teaming up with paranoia to just scare the shit out of me and make me hate people for no reason.

...and she finally lets go of her fake smile

as the tears slowly fall down her face

...and even though nobody's watching

she whispers into the mirror

as she wipes the running eyeliner

"I don't want to be me"

2005-04-18T21:56:00.000+08:00

See, there's this place in me where your fingerprints still rest, your kisses still linger, and your whispers softly echo. It's the place where a part of you will forever be a part of me.

Maybe that's why I allowed my heart to give you another chance.

2005-04-15T22:09:00.000+08:00

Oh hello world. It has been eons since I've written a proper enty. Miss me?

Tralala :) Met up with Hafiz today to watch evss' sports day at temasek polytechnic. But, more like meeting up to catch up for old times sake. Wah..I just miss that guy so much. We had much to ramble about due to the fact that we last saw each other nearly two months ago. From school to love life to bitches. Haha. I don't know why, but I totally feel comfortable talking to him about practically anything considering the fact that he's a guy. He's seen me at my worst and at my best. Its times like this that I wished he was in tpjc or that I was in srjc. "The bestest of best friends".

And did I mention, I am totally falling in love with econs? I breathe econs. I eat econs. I watch econs. I sleep econs. I live econs. Is this rational human behaviour? I doubt so. But thats what makes it interesting. Being different and extraordinary. Just hoping that with a strong interest in the subject, I will do excellently for it if possible.

Anyways, I'm no longer in "panjat batu"(hehe)cause it eats up too much of my time and energy. I rather channel these productive energy of mine for a better use such as schoolwork. Heh. But since I can't go cca-less, I'm now in interact club. I know, I know. So unlike Sarah. But, there always has to be a start for eveything. That's why, I am allowing myself to give volunteerism an opportunity. I've always heard that being a volunteer brings about satisfaction and happiness in one's work. Hope that that theory applies to me as well :D

To that certain someone : I heard someone whisper your name today, but when I turned around to see who it was, I noticed that I was alone. That's when I realized it was my heart telling me how much I missed you.

2005-04-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

School has been absolutely therapeutic.

Maybe its because of HIM[?]

Pretty Boy.

One wish.

Notice me.

2005-04-06T21:23:00.000+08:00

My CCA for the next two years: Rock Climbing.

Cool or what?! Plus, Mr Adrian Ong is one of the teachers-in-charge!! *Faints from over excitement*

2005-04-02T22:37:00.000+08:00

Muggathon has been going for me. Period. Resulting in me being busy, busy and double triple busy. Oh wells, I can't complain cause I know what I was getting myself into when I chose the JC path. But, I have to say, I do enjoy burying myself in heaps of lecture notes nowadays. Gives me a sense of pleasure:) Strange yet so typical of me. I'm turning into a hedonist. Ahh.

"Interview with a Vampire" is on now. Time to free and allow myself into the real world.

2005-03-26T16:38:00.000+08:00

" Tipu dengan guna siri televisyen 'Hanyut' ". One of the articles in today's Berita Harian. It explains the situation where teenagers con public people into donating to help the teenagers that were shown in the television series Hanyut. The donations were supposedly to assist these once 'havoc' teenagers to get back on the right path by providing them with the proper education etc. After investigation, Mediacorp confirmed that no such donation activities with regards to Hanyut were carried out.

Its a really sad thing this is. These teenagers, namely Malay teenagers, I must say are actually ruining the reputation of other Malay teenagers. Why do such things? Donations are supposed to be for a good cause. Not seen as a means of getting people's money by cheating them. I am sure now that most people are in fear of donating especially when it comes to donating in monetary form. With all these happening, people will be unsure of whether their money would be used for a beneficial cause or whether their money would just be gone in the hands of some unfaithful and cheating scumbags. Hmmph. For me, I will never ever donate again. Regardless whether it is really for some needy organization or not. The safest thing is only to donate to the mosques. Yup. That's the only way where I know my money is actually channelled to. So a word of advice, especially to those makciks whom these deceiving people usually target to, be careful and don't easily sympathize with them. Sometimes, it is all just a lie.

And oh yeah, my father bought for me a pair of black DC shoes. Kewlies. :D

2005-03-22T19:51:00.000+08:00

Woohoo!! \0/. Its official. I'm in Tampines Junior College.

2005-03-21T20:49:00.000+08:00

[ Edited ]

You still do care. I know. I just know. You don't express it in words but you do it in your own special little ways. Thank you.=D

2005-03-21T16:03:00.000+08:00

The past few days, I've been confused. And today, its no exception. I feel lousy. So I gave it a thought. And I'm acknowledging the reason. Blergghh. I wished it was something that is simply easy to fix. But it's not. It takes a lot of time. Dedication. Love. Patience. Things like that. When it comes to matters of the heart, everthing just isn't ok. Warm clouds form in my head. And warm tears form behind my eyes. For no absolute reason. And they say love is like the sun coming out of the clouds and it warms your soul. Blah. But here I am. With my hands filled with bewilderment and throbbing pain. All because of you. YOU.

I ask this fragile heart of mine and sometimes I wonder if I'm better off alone. I can't bear to hear anymore of those pseudo promises that you don't intend to keep. I can't stand my heart shattering with every action that you do. With every word that's going to pierce right through me. But then again, I have never wanted to be with someone as much as I want to be with you. And that scares the shit out of me. Because I don't know whether you want to be with me as much. I guess I'm just tired of you keeping my heart on a string as if its a yo-yo.

I love you. Isn't that enough? What's happenening to us? Please make it stop. I want the old us back.

Remember the time when you first approached me? Remember the time when we found out that we actually knew each other in kindergarten? Remember the time when you called me your future sayang and then called me sayang when we finally became a couple? Remember the time when we had our very first kiss? Remember the time when we had that huge quarell behind school? Remember the time when you would sneakily give me a peck on the cheek in school? Remember the time when you consoled me when I failed my Pure Chem? Remember the time when we mugged together at Mcdonalds? Remember what we wrote at 937? Remember the time when we first broke up and then patched up back after a few days? Remember when I gave you that dogtag with your named engraved on it and you lost it? Remember when you went to the Graduation Party without me? Remember when we could actually have a civilised conversation without ending it with a tiff? Remember when you actually cared? Remember? Remember?

:( I've never thought about someone's smile as much as I think about yours. Because of you I laugh little louder, cry a little less and smile a whole lot more. But that was then. Now, its the total opposite. In this weird and twisted way, I know you miss me. Not because I want to believe it's true, but because you'll never find a girl that can put up with you like I did. You'll never find a girl who will care as much as I did, because no one will waste all their love on someone like you, like I did.

Oh well. Words are just not enough. I wished I belong to that group of people who speak exactly what's on their mind. It's always easy to plan, to synthesize sentences in my head and put everything in the right sequence, yet difficult to express them the exact way I want to. Indescribable. For every word I speak, I think so many more. For every thought I think, I dream a million more. For everytime I give my heart away, I still have more to give, but what I want from life is someone that makes me want to live. That's all I'm asking for.

Part of me is fighting this. But at the same time, a part of me is gone. It hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time. Maybe if I pretend for a minute and put all that I have into it, I swear that I can still feel your something. But you know what? Its probably just nothing.

2005-03-17T22:46:00.000+08:00

i /n e v e r/ will [[forget]] those NiGhts.
i w.on.der if IT was a=> dream.
RemembeR how U made me CRA*ZY?
reMeMber how I ^made^ you SCREAM.
now i don't UnderstAnd what !happened 2 our love~.
But baby, :when i: get you (back)
i'm g0nna Sh0w y0u wha+ i'm made of.<=

Son of the mask cheered me up today. Hilarious. Don't miss it.

I have decided to go with the flow and still go with the flow. I must stop thinking about certain things. I told myself that I won't let this get out of hand. The longer it goes on, the harder it's going to be. And I don't want it to get any harder. There's no point in sulking over it cause it's only like sticking a knife somewhere in my body. Everyday it goes in deeper. And when one day I'll have to pull it out, I can only imagine the hurt and the pain. Often, when one door opens, another one closes. But sometimes we take so long looking at the closed one that we missed the new one that has opened for us. True? Ponder over it.

Just so you know. I have a sudden fetish for turkeys.

2005-03-16T20:00:00.000+08:00

Do you know the worst feeling in the world? I do.

A few answers that I need to know. How could you ever hurt me so. I need to know what I have done wrong. How long has it been going on. Was it that I never gave you enough attention. Or did I not give you enough affection. Did you really mean all those words that you said. Was everything just a facade. Was it pure love or just an infatuation. Did I ever treat you right. Did I always start the fight. Not only will your answers keep me sane, but I will know never to repeat the same mistakes again. All the answers to my questions, I have to find.

I gave all that I could but apparently, everything wasn't enough for you. I forgave you no matter under what circumstances all these times but that was because I still wanted you in my life. But now. o_0 You uttered those words ever so easily and thus I can easily walk out of your life. You would have to earn back my trust and love. I'm not going to give it back to you so easily.

2005-03-15T18:27:00.000+08:00

Being caged up together with total boredom for the past couple of days have reared severe outcomes. I have officially become addicted to caffeine and chocolates. Thumbs up or thumbs down? Nyeh. You decide.

My life today was fulfilly wasted by roaming around Tampines Mall the whole afternoon. Having receiving my tuition-giving salary, I decided to spoil myslef by splurging on all those wanted stuff that I have been eyeing on. So, managed to get myself a brand new wallet, a pair of earrings and a groovy dotty set of lingerie. Tee-hee. I fill so content. Well, almost. My stomach feels like a bottomless vessel. I feel like I can still scuff down junk down my throat after all that KFC cheese fries and crispy chicken I had earlier on courtesy of my father. *burp!*

Pardon me, but I think I might have a problem with myself. Because I just have a strong proclivity to be violent towards people suddenly. Is it paranoia or insecurity? Nah. Just watching my back. Better safe than sorry.

2005-03-11T18:48:00.000+08:00

More. I definitely want more of everything. I can never get enough of what I already have. Call me greedy but its absolutely normal behaviour. Human nature. Thus, I still am craving for more. More. More. More. But, as per usual, I can't always get all that I want. Unlimited human wants but limited resources. Wah. The words spoken by a true Economics student:)

That's all. I'm ultra extra lazy today. So leaving you darlings with this:

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the
Back of my own barehand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and
It made me feel complete
I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it
Looking and staring at me
Is this the place we used to love
Is this the place that
I have always been dreaming of
Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and
I need something to hold on
So tell me when
When you are going to let me in
I'm getting tired and so
I need somewhere to begin